


We blaze (together)

by Geritashipper123



Series: We'll set the universe ablaze, you and I [1]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Amanda Ships Spirk, Amanda is Awesome, Canon Typical Violence, Cheating, Christopher Pike is a dick for once, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Infidelity, Jealousy, M/M, Mirror Kirk has a filthy mouth, Mirror Universe, Origin Story, Sexual Content, Spock had no idea what he did, Tarsus IV, Violence, Vulcans are assholes, Young kids bonding for life, but not really?, consensual cheating, cursing, origin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-22 09:26:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8280892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geritashipper123/pseuds/Geritashipper123
Summary: In a world where loyalty is a rare commodity, friendship is even rarer, and love is practically a taboo, how did a bearded Vulcan and a dangerous captain come to mean so much to one another? in a world where death is the norm and violence is currency, where chaos reigns, how do these two come to care so much about one another where they'd rather die than hurt one another?This is how.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [Ardemos juntos](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8635465) by [chicaclamp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chicaclamp/pseuds/chicaclamp)



> Okay, so I love the mirror verse. so so so much. I have plans for rewrites of TOS to see what the mirror verse's adventures looked like and to explore mirror spirk because come on- how could I NOT?
> 
> But when i was about half way through writing the mirrorverse man trap, I realized- there was something different about these two. something... about their pasts. I needed to establish what had happened before I could continue on.
> 
> And that's when this monster happened. It's 30 god damn pages in docs oh my lord. 
> 
> dedicated to whoever the hell originally wrote the mirror verse episode.

People wonder about them. Of course they do, how could they not? They probably have one of the most unlikely relationships in the empire. Sometimes, people have the gall to ask. A few ask Jim, and they get automatically put in the agony booth for a half hour. Only one person has ever asked Spock, and Spock responded by asking if they wanted to be his new lab rat. Needless to say, no one asks Spock. 

If you were to ask Bones he could give you a semi correct version- he only has bits and pieces of the story, and he fills in the blanks with imagination. You could ask their parents, but they would likely not care all that much.

So how did it happen? How did a bearded Vulcan with a cold demeanor and a violent streak and no aspirations other than to follow one man and a cruel captain with unforgiving morals and iron control and a will more stubborn than a bull come to not only be allies and (dare it be said) friends- but come to care so deeply for one another that they will betray the empire, fight, kill, even _die_ for one another?

That, is an interesting story.

 

* * *

 

They meet not aboard the enterprise-

They meet as children.

Jim is 3 when his parents decide they are sick of being on leave for their children. Samuel George (Sam) is old enough to watch Jim now, and they want to get back to space.

They take Jim with them to San Francisco when they go to visit the admirals who can take them off leave, and they had basically told him to do whatever but don't get in trouble.

His parents have excellent parenting skills.

Jim has been wandering around the Empire’s main campus for an hour now, and he has to admit it's pretty impressive. He’s a bright kid, he likes to take apart junk and see if he can make a weapon out of it (his dad is _so_ proud of him and sometimes slips him a few credits to “accidentally” destroy some of mom’s uglier or less comfortable furniture pieces).

There is so much stuff here- sure he can't touch any of it because he’s three and sadly he would get arrested for touching, but he can _look_ and plan and it's awesome.

He goes up another flight of steps and blinks when he comes out on the roof. He hasn't exactly been keeping track of where he was going but still, he made it up pretty high pretty fast. 

Every curious, he goes over to the edge and stands on his toes to see over the raised wall there was to keep people from jumping off. He's so high above the ground, it fills him with adrenaline. Laughter bubbles out of him as he leans further over the edge. He's so high, he wonders if he could touch the stars like his parents yet.

“Are you _insane_?”

The voice takes him by surprise, and his hand slips. For a moment, he feels like he’s going to go over the edge, and his body instinctively back peddles-

He lands on his butt on the concrete, panting. Anger and shame fill him, and he stands and whirls around “what's the big fucking idea!”

There, sitting against the wall of the stairwell, is a little boy. He has pitch black hair and the biggest brown eyes Jim has ever seen. His one eye is swollen slightly, and his cheeks are green from the cold. His ears are pointed and their green too. He has a split lip, and there's a cut in his robe.

Jim has never seen a Vulcan before, but he’ll never forget meeting this one.

“Are you clinically insane?” The Vulcan asks “I have never seen anyone laugh when they're about to kill themselves.”

“I wasn’t gonna kill myself!” Jim snaps “I was having _fun_! You probably don't know what that is since you're a Vulcan.”

The boy blinks slowly and tilts his head “if that was supposed to be an insult, I must inform you that I have heard other insults that are much worse. Also, I do not know what is fun to humans, but I know what is fun to Vulcans.”

Jim blinks as he processes that.

“Okay fine, what's fun to Vulcans?”

“I enjoy science and math.”

“Do you ever take things apart and put them back together in new ways?”

“Indeed.”

“Looks like we may have something in common I guess. What's your name?”

The boy opens his mouth to reply, then straightens, eyes widening. “They are coming.” He whispers.

“Who?” Jim asks, raising a brow.

“I have to hide- you should too.” The boy stands to his full hight, and Jim is pleased to see that he's taller than the Vulcan.

“Hide from _who_?”

The Vulcan gives him a look that Jim interprets as _just listen to me you idiot_ and then grabs Jim by the wrist.

Jim nearly yelps at the contact. It's like getting shocked, but it's not. It's… Emotion.

 _Fear_ is the strongest. And… _wonder_ is next.

The Vulcan boy drags him behind the stairwell, and soon their crouched among the pipes that connect to the ancient water tower that connects to the building.

“What's going-”

“Sh.”

The Vulcan boy holds his finger to his lips as the door slams open.

“Where are you earther?” Someone calls. “T’yuri saw you come up here! Creature! Where are you!”

The boy’s hand is still on Jim’s wrist, and now _hurt_ flows from the point of contact.

“Halfbreed! Where are you! Hiding is _illogical_ freak!”

Jim is, understandably, confused. He opens his mouth to tell the Vulcan boy so, but he quickly places a hand over his mouth. His eyes are pleading for him to be quiet.

Jim starts to struggle, and the boy mouths “I'm sorry” before he places his hand on the side of Jim’s face and the whole world falls away.

 

* * *

 

Spock had been having a terrible day. His father was on earth for a meeting, but some of the Vulcans who has come with him had brought their children just as his father had brought him- 

Needless to say, getting chased around the empire’s campus was not what he wanted to do on his first day on his mother’s planet.

He meets the strange blonde boy who may be suicidal or simply crazy and he doesn't really know what was going through his head when he pulled him into a meld but all he could think about was how the bullies could _not_ be allowed to find him or this strange human boy.

 _“What the fuck is this?!”_ The boy thinks loudly when he enters the meld.

 _“A mind meld.”_ Spock responds calmly _“we are sharing a mind right now.”_

_“The fuck? Why?”_

_“I could think of no other way to keep you silent. I could not let them find us.”_

_“Who?”_

_“The other Vulcans.”_

_“Aren't you a Vulcan?”_

_“Not quite.”_ Spock thinks before he can stop himself, and he can feel Jim’s momentary confusion before he sees the answer in Spock’s mind.

_“Your mother is human?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“... What's your name?”_

_“Spock. My name is Spock.”_

_“I’m Jim. Can you teach me about Vulcans since we’re here?”_

_“Certainly.”_

And Spock does.

 

* * *

 

When they pull apart, it is night time and they know each other.

Jim knows about the way the boys will sneak their hands under Spock’s robes when they corner him at school, how he spends each night trying not to cry, how he sometimes hurts himself in an attempt to keep his control because pain centers him in a sick and twisted way.

And Spock knows that when Jim’s uncle frank watches him he beats him. Knows that his aspiration is to escape to the stars and knows that he gets in fights at preschool.

They both have violent streaks and a fascination with death.

By the end of the day, they have fallen in love.

Jim is almost afraid to think it, but Spock mentally hugs him and says it's okay, that he’s in love too.

They decide together not to care what others say, decide that they’ll be together forever. How could they not? They know eachother better than anyone ever has or ever will.

The moon is out when Jim opens his eyes again, and there's a faint tingling reminder of Spock’s presence in his mind.

Jim is 3, Spock is 5, and they have a mental bond that Spock vows to let no one break.

It's a full moon, and Spock’s eyes widen when he sees it.

“Vulcan doesn't have a moon right? Take a good long look sweetheart.” Jim says. The endearment he's heard his parents use slips out without warning, and Spock fights a smile.

“Our parents may not understand. My father may try to break our bond.”

“I’ll fight my parents. They won't take me away from you.”

“I will fight my father. I do not care if I get disowned. My mother may be on my side though.”

“I guess I should go meet them huh?” Jim sighs after he says it, and Spock takes his hand. Jim arranges their fingers in the way Spock had showed him- in a Vulcan kiss.

Hand in hand, they go inside.

 

* * *

 

Sure enough, Sarek is shocked. There aren't any words, he simply goes into his sons mind.

Even during the meld with his father, he can hear George and Winniona going off at Jim over their bond, asking him where the heck he’d been hiding all day and _we said explore not hide!_

His father pulls away when he sees the bond and stares at his son

“You have just promised yourself to a life of hardship. Our world will never accept you if you share this bond with a human.”

“I have ceased caring about my peers opinions. They attack me every day already for my human eyes- nothing will change because I have taken a human mate.”

“You always have been more mature than your age dictates.” Sarek comments “come, let us get your mother. It appears we have a future son in law to meet.”

 

* * *

 

Jim barely persuades his parents to wait so he could say goodbye to his friend, as he calls him ( _a friend? Be careful with those_ his father says. And Jim almost laughs because Spock wouldn't betray him.) 

Spock comes over soon, and Jim grins and takes his hand again.

George and Winona are confused, Spock’s parents look resigned- his mother even looks proud.

“My name is S’gan T’gai Sarek. This is she who is my wife Amanda Grayson and my son Spock.” Says Spock’s father to his parents “we have much to discuss.”

 

* * *

 

It takes Jim’s parents a while, but they eventually understand and George takes him off to the side to give him the “if you hurt my son talk” and when Spock pointed out that he could never hurt Jim without hurting himself and that this conversation is illogical George laughed and said “god if you're like this at four imagine what you’ll be like when you're older!”

Spock is confused, and Jim tells his dad to please shut up.

A plan is formed- Jim and Spock would have PADDs that they can use to message and vid chat one another. There would be visits as often as possible, and when they get old enough Jim will come to Vulcan for a bonding ceremony.

(His father said that they would know when Spock was old enough when he was old enough and that there was nothing more they could say about when it would happen. Jim asks if it’s pon farr, which he learned about in the mind meld, and Sarek looks positively _scandalized_. Spock almost laughs aloud)

 

* * *

 

The next few years pass in relative peace. Jim spends his days messaging Spock and calling Spock. 

It's not easy. In no way is it easy. Spock will send him pictures of his face sometimes- he’ll be covered in bruises. When Jim starts school no one really understands when he says he’s technically engaged. He kind of becomes a loner, spending his days trying to get good grades and messaging Spock.

When’s bored he messes with his father’s phaser. He likes to shoot fruit off the trees.

His parents are gone a lot, having been reinstated in starfleet. Sam watches him, and he mostly lets him do whatever as long as he doesn't burn the house down and doesn't get hurt.

Spock visited once when Jim was four, and surprised him on his fifth birthday with a visit. He’s five now, and he misses him.

It's dumb he knows, but everything is easier when he and Spock are talking. The world makes more sense when he can hear his voice.

 

* * *

 

His father was not lying when he spoke of all the torment. 

His peers can sense his bond to Jim, and their scorn become worse when it goes around that the freak has taken a human mate.

They beat him when they can, and throw sharp rocks at him to make cuts on his body. They corner him when no one is watching and strip him of his robe. They make him fight to get it back, they throw it out a window and Spock will either have to sit and wait for someone to take pity and bring it to him, or he will run as fast as he can through the learning center in the nude to get it.

He always comes home in worse shape than he left, and his mother always looks at him with sad eyes, shaking her head quietly. She doesn't say anything, she just patches up his scratches and kisses his bruises even though Spock insists that it is illogical. His brother Sybok likes to play fight with him, and it helps him improve his self defense. His father teaches him emotional controls, it's his own way of helping him make it end.

If Spock doesn't give an emotional response, they will get bored. That is what he tells himself.

He does not bring his PADD to school, because he knows that if he does it will get stolen and broken and his line of communication with his _t’hy’la_ is too important for that.

Jim likes to describe to him what he wants to do to the people who hurt Spock, and it makes Spock want to smile- half because the images are amusing, and half because he knows Jim _means_ it when he says he wants to rip Stonn’s bowels out through his genitals.

 

* * *

 

Jim’s life goes sideways when he turns seven. When he turns seven, things change very fast. 

His father and mother both die in space, and Sam can’t deal. He runs away, gone before Jim can stop him.

The lawyers put him in the care of his uncle frank.

In a way, Jim’s life continues on. He goes to school and messages Spock whenever he wants.

Only now, he has to keep his PADD hidden because his uncle will break it. He gets called awful names at home and fights to keep from getting beaten to death by the alcoholic who’s living in his parents bedroom. The farm becomes a dark place, and Jim tries more than once to run away only to get brought back home by the cops and beaten for it by Frank.

His only confidant is Spock, of course.

 

* * *

 

Spock tells his mother of Jim’s plight, and she says he can do nothing.

Spock bites back the negative emotions that come from that statement. Of course they cannot do anything- he is 9, and by earth law he has no claim to Jim. His mother and his father can’t do anything for Jim.

So all he can do is offer his silent support and hope Jim is strong enough to survive.

It does not stop him from planning a way out.

 

* * *

 

When Jim is eight, he receives one two way ticket to Vulcan for Spock’s tenth birthday from Amanda.

“It's a surprise.” She tells him in the email she attached the ticket to “and a break from that uncle of yours. You don't even have to tell him. X.”

Amanda has become a second mother to him, and Jim almost loves her for it.

Hitchhiking to San Francisco is hardly the hardest thing Jim has ever done, and when he gets to the Space Port, he holds up his ticket and expects questioning, scrutiny- something that shows the empire is suspicious of an 8 year old kid trying to board a plane.

The flight attendant says “oh yes, you're the ambassador’s wife's guest, right?”

When he sees his first class cabin, Jim decides he does love Amanda. Just a little.

 

* * *

 

Spock’s mother insists on celebrating his birthday every year- she spends the weeks before treating him to all his favorite foods every night, indulging him in sweets he usually wouldn't get. His father begrudgingly allows it.

His birthday falls on a Terran Friday, and when Spock wakes up that Monday his mother says he will not be attending school this week.

When he asks why she says “you're sick.” And winks.

Spock does not question.

He spends the next 2 days blissfully messaging Jim, reading, and playing with I-Chaya. On the Terran Wednesday, he wakes up to see a note from his mother on top of his PADD saying “go to the spaceport.”

Spock does not understand, but he gets out of bed and goes.

He stands there, awkwardly, unsure of what is going on.

Then he hears “HEY BABE!” And gets tackled by his bondmate-

And Spock remembers that his mother is much more amazing than any Vulcan that ever existed, really.

 

* * *

 

Jim has never been to Vulcan before, and when he first steps off the transporter he thinks he might die. Someone gives him a triox and welcomes him to the planet and sends him on his merry way. 

Jim wanders for all of 3 minutes before he sees a very awkward now ten year old to be standing in the middle of the spaceport looking lost.

Jim hasn't seen him in 3 years, and he tackles him because why the fuck not?

He spends a blissful two weeks on Vulcan. It's funny, they've been bonded/engaged for 5 years and it's the longest amount of time they’ve ever spent together.

Spock melds them every night, and Jim quickly becomes addicted to the sensation of having Spock in his head. By the end of the first week the bond had gotten stronger to the point where it's noticeable to Jim. Spock warns him that he may feel some of Spock’s stronger emotions even when he gets back to earth, and Jim can't bring himself to care.

He meets I-Chaya, who is quite the ferocious beast when it comes to protecting Spock, but she sees Jim as a friend.

He also gets to see first hand what Spock goes through every day- they are walking in the market when Spock gets hit in the back of the head with rotting vegetables, and Jim has to be held back from going to punch the people who threw it.

Later, Spock tells him he's had worse and he doesn't care, and without thinking Jim kisses him.

It's their first kiss, it wouldn't be their last.

 

* * *

 

After Jim leaves, Spock meditates.

He focuses on the bond until the strain of Jim being too far away makes his head hurt.

With a sigh, he continues on.

They don't see each other in person for another 3 years.

 

* * *

 

 

Spock comes to earth when Jim is eleven.

Frank has sent Jim to the hospital 3 times now and no one is doing jack shit to help him. Jim hates it. The only person who’s even offered to help him is Spock and doesn't that just say something about the world.

Jim sneaks Spock in his house in the middle of the night and crawls into his bed with him.

In their hushed whispers, they come up with a plan.

 

* * *

 

Spock is separated from Jim in the hospital the next day. Jim is fine, despite that they just drove a car off a cliff, and Spock has a broken arm. 

Franklin Theodore Kirk is dead. It was a murder, the death weapon was several hits to the head from a blunt weapon.

It was technically two- Jim had a baseball bat and Spock had used his fist. But there isn't any proof that they did it. They were very careful.

When the police question them, they say they woke up and heard a man downstairs fighting with frank. They snuck down to the garage and stole the car, intent on going to the police to save Jim’s uncle, but they lost control on the way, hence why the car was in the cliff.

Spock is honestly surprised they believe it.

His parents however, do not.

 

* * *

 

Jim finds out that his next family members in line to get lil’ orphan Kirk are an aunt and an uncle who don't live on earth.

Jim is excited for a few hours- he gets to live _off planet?! Awesome as shit!_

Until someone tells him that there aren't any towers set up to make PADDs work.

Meaning he won't be able to talk to Spock.

Jim’s gut aches at the idea. What can he do? He has nowhere else to go, and he can survive without Spock…

Right?

With a churning stomach, he calls Spock for what may be the last time the day before he’s supposed to leave.

Amanda answers.

“James.” She says “I'm sorry, but Spock can't answer.”

Jim’s heart plummets.

“Why the hell not?” He asks, grinding his teeth.

“2 days ago he got into a fight at school. Finally got sick of it all I guess. Nearly strangled Stonn to death.” She says it nonchalantly, but there's something there in her voice.

Jim is honestly confused. Spock wouldn't attack someone without a plan of how to get out of repercussions. Something was off here.

“... So what's his punishment?” Jim asked hesitantly.

“I convinced Sarek to send him off world.”

She winks at him, and Jim gets it.

“... Well. That's unfortunate. When’s he landing, maybe I can call him-”

“Oh no, there's no PADDs on this world. But you knew that didn't you?”

“Indeed I did, ma’am.”

“Oh please, you're going to marry my son. You make him happier than anything else on this dirt ball and I told him to get in a fight in order to get you two together. Call me Amanda.”

Jim laughs aloud.

The next day, as he sits on the transport, he reads up on the planet.

_TERRAN COLONY_

_Quadrant: 568201_

_Planet: M-class, 1562._

_Planet designation: Tarsus IV_

 

* * *

 

What will make Spock the sickest later is that at first, Tarsus is better than both of their homes. 

Jim lives with his aunt and uncle, and he comes to the Vulcan section of the colony Spock is living in every day. They do their work for the colony, and attend school. Their together and happy for a blissful few months.

None of Spock’s tormentors came to the colony, and while he isn't accepted still, he doesn't get beaten up every day and in his mind that makes this place a paradise compared to Vulcan. Jim’s aunt and uncle are good people, and Spock often goes over to their home in the colony for a meal.

Jim is 11, Spock is 13, they are happy. Life is perfect.

But, as the saying goes, nothing gold can stay.

Spock wakes up 3 months, a week, and 4 days after his move to Tarsus to find that a fence has been erected about the Vulcan section of the colony.

This is only the beginning.

 

* * *

 

There's a lot of things Jim could say are the worst thing about Taurus. The Massacre is something he could say. The starvation that led him to kill and even eat other people is another.

Jim feels almost selfish when he says the worst part of it all is that the whole time he had no clue where Spock was.

Oh sure, sometimes he got a tingling burst of emotion through their bond, just something to remind him Spock was still alive. But that didn't happen often, and in between fighting over food and struggling to stay alive, Jim finds himself wondering if the best thing in his life is still alive.

Jim is one of nine children who eventually get captured and brought before Kodos himself.

Kodos is about to start killing them when the empire shows up.

Doctors start looking them over, and then someone tells them they’re the _only_ survivors.

Jim stares at the soldier to who tells them that. He thinks about how Spock has been silent for days, about how cold he feels, about everything.

Jim has never been afraid. When he was little and Sam told him about the monsters under his bed to scare him, Jim came up with a 42 step plan to kill them.

When the guard said they were the only survivors, Jim’s fear welled up in his stomach, until it bursts.

When his parents died, Jim barely cried. There was too much other stuff going on to cry- especially to cry in front of other people.

Now, he sits there cries in front of the everyone in the room.

He cries until he cannot breath, cries until he can't feel anything but all encompassing grief, cries until his thoughts are reduced to _Spock._

 

* * *

 

Spock learned about hitler’s concentration camps at the learning center when he was 6. He found them positively fascinating. 

They are the closest comparison to the world the Vulcans are kept in on Tarsus IV.

Some people are sent to work, some people are sent to the army, some people are used for the army’s pleasure, some people are simply killed, some are experimented and used for torture.

Spock gets switched between the experimentation group and the labor group. He doesn't scream, and spends all his energy blocking his pain from Jim.

People die, people scream. They feed them meat- no vegetables. Spock doesn't know if they know that Vulcans are vegetarians or not, but he can't bring himself to care.

He eats the meat, it tastes like blood and it makes him sick. He hates meat. He vows to never eat it again.

One day, they load everyone still alive in Spock’s camp into a room and attempt to gas them.

The gas they use is poisonous to Vulcans, and Spock lays there among the dead bodies, sick and unable to move but still alive. His human biology has saved him.

He doesn't know how long he lays there, naked and sick and just barely alive among the rot, but eventually he hears human voices walking around and talking.

“Help.” He manages, his voice impossibly tiny “help.”

His throat was so tight, he could barely breathe.

They find the bodies, and when they get to Spock, he looks up at the guard and says “help.”

As he gets wheeled away to go to a hospital, he hears them talking about how messed up the one survivor would be.

 

* * *

 

Jim is still wallowing in grief when they bring him in. 

The rumor of someone who survived in a Vulcan camp start going around an hour before Jim see's him, and he doesn't want to believe them. He doesn't want to hope.

And then, a doctor comes over and says “are you Jim Kirk?”

Jim nods mutely, and she raises a brow “there's a young Vulcan we brought in. He refuses to go into a healing trance until he knows if someone named Jim Kirk is alive.”

Jim gets up and _runs_.

He can hear the doctor shouting room numbers at his back, but he doesn't care. He just feels for the tugging of the bond in his head.

He turns and bursts into a room-

He’s a skeleton, his hair is long and dirty and there's nurses with sponges who are about to wipe blood and puke and shit off his body. His eyes look empty- until he sees Jim.

“Let him.” Spock’s voice is choked, and Jim wonders what the hell happened to him.

The nurses give Jim the sponge and leave.

They have never been naked around one another, but there's no time like the present. Jim pulls off the shirt he had been given, and the pants too. He's just as much a skeleton as Spock is.

He crawls onto the bed, the paper sheet there crinkling under his knees as he crawled closer to him.

There are no words, Spock raises his hand and pulls Jim into his mind.

They sit there for a few minutes, relief, greif, joy, and love all flowing across the bond to one another.

They pull apart, and Jim washes Spock off. Spock slips into a healing trance while he does, and when he's all clean, Jim carefully shifts Spock to take the dirty paper sheet out from under him. Nurses come to take the soiled sponge, water and paper, and Jim crawls into the bed with Spock.

They stay like that for a while.

 

* * *

 

Spock wakes up three days later, and he can speak again. 

He and Jim stay in his hospital room alone. They cuddle and kiss and meld and talk about what happened. They scarf down the food they are brought because who knows when the revolution will come back? They spend all their time together because who knows when they’ll be separated?

They survive because it's all they can do.

Sarek and Amanda come after two weeks, and Spock almost cries when they say Spock is going home and Jim is going back to earth.

He does not wish to be separated again, but what can they do?

 

* * *

 

Jim’s gramma lives in middle of nowhere, Oklahoma. She's 98 years old and has 6 cats. 

Jim doesn't go to school, he just sits around the house.

He doesn't have a PADD. He can't call Spock.

Jim doesn't talk to anyone. He is alone.

Jim is 12, somewhere in the universe Spock is 14.

They need each other most and they are alone.

It is 8 months later when Amanda shows up.

 

* * *

 

The thing about Vulcans is they don't have PTSD.

Since they are supposed to have perfect emotional control, when something bad happens, they are supposed to be able to file it away and let it go and even if they can't it's not supposed to affect them visibly.

It has never been clearer that Spock is not Vulcan.

He goes to school. He drags himself through his days and goes home just to sit quietly.

He has nightmares every night, he scarfs down his food without tasting it. His mother is concerned, and his father _attempts_ to meditate with him but Spock refuses.

He doesn't want anyone but Jim in his head, ever again.

Sybok has been gone for 3 years now, and he risks his life to send a message to Spock to make sure he’s okay. Spock stares at the message for 2 hours after he receives it. He destroys it, and that night his nightmares are even worse.

After 3 months of this, he stops trying school despite what his father says. His father protests for 2 weeks before his mother points out the illogic of him going to school at all if he wasn't going to try. He sits at home most days.

He thinks of Jim.

He knows Jim is probably suffering too, but with no emotional controls, Jim is allowed to scream and cry and get angry and upset- and he won't be scorned for it. Spock can't do that.

7 months after he comes back to Vulcan, Spock does not get out of bed. He lays, practically paralyzed in his bed.

He thinks of laying amongst dead bodies, he could not move then because of the poison. He does not move now.

Healers come and look in his mind, they pull out and Spock vaguely overhears them saying it would be a mercy to let them waste away.

As a child, Spock had been sick a lot. Healers had experimented on him often with various drugs, attempting to learn more about his unique biology. He’d often been referred to as a science experiment when his parents weren't around.

One doctor now says that it is pointless to allow a failed science experiment to continue living. Amanda slaps him.

Spock does not care. He lays there and he drifts.

 

* * *

 

Jim almost cries when Amanda shows up on his gramma’s farm.

He was taking care of the single cow, looked over at the front gate, and there she was.

Jim almost dropped his bucket of milk (the cow gave almost none anyway) and ran over to her.

“James.” She said “I need to speak with your grandmother.”

“She has dementia. She won't be of much help.” Jim said

Amanda stared at him for a moment, then said “I want you to think very carefully about this question. I can get you out of here. You’ll come back to Vulcan and live with us until you're 18. Sarek will likely not like you, and the other Vulcans will be cruel to you the way they are to me. But you would get to be with Spock- and he needs you, Jim.” Her eyes softened until her gaze was almost motherly “is that what you want?”

Jim’s heart pounded in his chest as he thought about it. He’d have no friends, probably be home schooled by Amanda.

He’d have Spock. He’d have someone who understands what he just went through.

And Spock _needed_ him.

He snapped his face up to Amanda “hell yes. Get me the fuck out of here.”

 

* * *

 

The healers hadn’t come yesterday. Spock wondered if his father had given up.

His mother had stopped visiting 4 days ago, Spock guessed it must have been too painful for her.

It was like he was having an out of body experience. He could see and hear everything but he either did not want or did not have the ability to move. What was the point in continuing? Why has he lived when all those innocent had died? And now, he didn't have James.

What was the point?

 

* * *

 

Jim walks into the house with Amanda, his single bag over his shoulder and his neck already sweaty. He would have to adjust to living here, and he’d need a triox every day at first. Amanda promised he would get used to it.

Sarek was coming down the stairs when they walked in, and he raised an eyebrow.

“You know this is necessary Sarek.” Amanda says “Spock needs him. Their old enough now where it's pointless to keep them apart. You don't need to like him, but he’s staying.”

Sarek doesn't respond, he stares at his wife for a moment, then sighs “stubborn.” He says. “Spock is in his room. I wish you luck.” And then we walks out briskly.

“You’ll be staying with Spock.” Amanda says “go.”

Jim remembers the way.

Spock is skinny, and he hasn't moved in a month from what he’s heard. He’s grown a beard. Jim goes over, strips, and crawls into bed with him.

“Hi, Spock.” He says softly “... You know, we shouldn't be in love. This world, it's so cruel. People kill to stay alive. Love is a rare commodity. And here we are. I can't live without you, and that should scare me more. But it doesn't because I know you. You’ll keep living through anything.”

He sighed “you're the love of my life, but you're the only one I'll ever tell that. I'm yours, and I know it. Get up and correct me if I'm wrong.”

Spock’s eyes are open, he's staring at him.

And, shakily, Spock’s hand moves up to his face.

Jim doesn't get pulled in like usual, he more _dives_ into Spock's mind.

It's chaotic in there, and the memories whirl past Jim’s eyes. Jim just waits for them to pass. Next comes the emotion- _pain pain sadness greif joy love_.

Love. Spock is in love with him.

It makes everything better.

When they pull out, Spock blinks, and then coughs. He needs help to sit up, and Jim gives him some water. As he watches him drink it, Jim leans in to kiss his forehead.

“You look good with a beard.” He comments. “Trim it and keep it.”

“As you wish.” Spock croaks.

 

* * *

 

The next two years come and go without incident. Jim and Spock slowly nurse one another back to health- although they are never the same.

On Spock’s 15th birthday, they went to a cliff that overlooked ShiKhar. It was unstable and a hard climb, so no one went up there. It was one of Spock's favorite spots on Vulcan.

They stay there for a while, Jim leaning on Spock. They talked, mostly, about the future.

Jim wished to join the empire, and Spock frankly did not wish to remain on Vulcan. They agreed to apply for the empire's imperial starfleet when they got old enough.

Spock had a short trimmed goatee, and Jim had admitted that he liked kissing with it. As he watched the sunset, he kissed him then.

One kiss turned to two. Then three then four and then…

Their first time is not awkward, it's quiet. It's hot. It's heavy.

Spock finds himself addicted.

 

* * *

 

They’ve been having sex for 2 years- Jim is 15 and Spock is 17- when Jim brings it up.

“Isn't it weird though?” Jim speculated “that I've never kissed anyone else? That's not _normal_ for humans.” He went quiet, then said “holy fuck I've been engaged since I was _3_.”

Spock is quiet, and for a fleeting moment Jim thinks he might have hurt his feelings but if he did they aren't flowing across the bond. They are basking in an afterglow, and they’ve fucked for so long in so many different ways that by now Spock knows Jim is prone to babble after sex.

Jim keeps talking. He tells Spock about Mindy Ann- a girl in his 5th grade class who had taken a liking to him.

“If you wish to venture outside of our relationship.” Spock suddenly says as Jim talks about Mindy Ann’s lip gloss. “You simply need to ask.”

“What do you mean?” Jim asks, glancing at him.

“If you wish to have intercourse with other people, I would not care.” Spock says.

Jim stares, then laughs.

“You're the best.” He cooes, running a finger over Spock’s cheek.

“You can repay me quite easily.” Spock responds, and they dive back into the flames.

 

* * *

 

Spock can feel when Jim has sex, only faintly. He makes himself not care. Jim always returns to him, in the end. And Spock has always told Jim he could easily break the bond if he truly wishes.

So he ignores the ecstasy that flows across the bond when Jim has sex, which he does quite often.

Spock graduates when he’s 18, and contents himself with living on Vulcan and helping where he can there while he waits for Jim to graduate as well.

When he does, they book the first shuttle for earth, and they don't look back.

 

* * *

 

Jim had become a bit of a slut since he had permission to, and he fucking loved it. 

Seriously, it was awesome. Sex was the best fucking thing ever- especially since the nastier STDs like syphilis and AIDS were eradicated. He slept with any non Vulcan he could find on Vulcan- and when they entered the academy, it became sleep with anyone.

He and Spock rented an apartment near campus. Spock almost immediately skipped ahead of most classes and became pretty well noticed by the student body (he was the first Vulcan in starfleet after all) a quick mention of “oh yeah I'm bonded to that guy” got him laid pretty quick. People respected Spock, but they hated him. They hated him for being Vulcan, for being smarter than them and better than them.

 _Poor fools, they make me laugh_. He’d often find himself thinking.

They’ve been on earth for a year- Jim is 19 and Spock is 21- when everything changes.

 

* * *

 

Spock is minding his own business, he really is. He isn't picking a fight. He was just walking home. 

Well, until he got shot.

He woke up to see a nurse staring down at him- he was handsome, with black hair and black skin and bright green eyes that stuck out in his dark face.

“Your a lucky one.” Said the nurse “the shot barely missed your heart. The guy got shot, so he's in jail. Your boyfriend's been in to visit 3 times.”

“Oh.” Spock said, blinking up at him.

The nurse grinned “my name is Geoff.” He fell silent and then “ya know, your boyfriend is pretty.”

“Many agree.” Spock said. His head was spinning slightly, so he didn't growl or correct him as he usually did when people said that to him.

“You're prettier though.” Geoff said suddenly, a grin coming onto his face.

Spock swallowed, and when he was discharged and ended up not going home, he thought of Jim and how he slept with people. He could feel Jim kissing someone right now.

It was only fair.

 

* * *

 

Jim had some girl in his lap in the back seat of his car when he felt Spock wake up.

He’d been… afraid. When Spock’s consciousness had suddenly faded yesterday. It freaked him out. When Spock woke up, he was relieved. He had celebrated by continuing his make out session with some lady he couldn't bother to remember the name of (Doris maybe?).

He wasn't sure how long he’d been making out with her when he felt something different.

The girl, Doris or whoever, had pulled away, confused. “Why’d you stop?” She asked sweetly, blinking her big blue ( _not brown, wrong wrong wrong_ ) eyes up at him (she was shorter than him not taller and he was missing a beard- _what was he doing_ why did he always do this to himself? Spock had said it was okay)

“I… I have to…”

He focused on the weird feeling, he got from Spock. It was…

 _It was_ …

A sick feeling seeped into his stomach as he realized what was happening. Anger started filling his whole being.

“Hey do you want me to suck you off or something?” The bitch asked.

Jim blinked at her “... get the fuck out of my car.”

 

* * *

 

The moon has just started to rise when Spock comes in the door. 

He is greeted with a glass narrowly missing his face.

“Hello Jim.” Spock says tersely, knowing the conversation that has been boiling for weeks has finally come up.

“You…” Jim says, his eyes are like molten gold. Angry. Spock feels guilty in spite of himself. “You _slut_.”

Spock arches a brow “do you not use that title in reference to me very often?”

“Bitch! You fucking _bitch_ Spock!” Jim snaps, rushing at him. Spock allows him to grab him by the shoulders hard enough to bruise. “You dick you scare me like that, getting yourself shot, and then you go and _sleep with someone_ ? Who was it? Did they fuck you as good as I do? Did they make you _want_ to drink their come? Did they enjoy your ass as much as I do? _Did they?!_ ” The last part is a growl, and Jim shakes Spock violently.

“It was good sex, yes.” Spock responds when Jim pauses in his shaking to let him answer.

The slap he receives makes him bite his cheek, and he thinks he tastes copper.

Jim snarls and shoves him so he's against the wall. “ _Fucking bitch_!” He snaps again.

“I find it strange.” Spock says, allowing a minute amount of irritation to seep into his tone “that you are angry for a pleasure I have indulged in you for 3 years.”

“ _You said I could_!”

“I assumed our agreement went both ways. Is that not fair?”

Jim slaps him again, a backhand this time, and Spock is sure he tastes blood.

“ _How?_!”

Spock’s head turns forward again, and Jim’s eyes are glowing “how have you not killed me yet?!” He asks.

This, does take Spock by surprise. He raises a single brow “what do you mean? You are my _t’hy’la_ . My _telsu_ . To kill you is to kill myself.” He’s never phrased it like that before, because despite being engaged and bonded for 16 (had it really been that long?) years, they’ve never really talked about what breaking the bond by death or by a healer would entail (probably because an illogical, vulnerable part of Spock is too afraid that Jim would _want_ that.).

“Every single time. Every goddamn fucking time you felt me?!” Jim asks, eyes wild.

Spock nods once, knowing to what he is referring. “Control is hard to maintain while having intercourse- especially for humans. For you, it is normal. For me, it is not. I apologize.”

Jim goes abruptly silent, staring at him with something akin to ludicrous in his eyes. “You let me have sex with anyone I wanted for 3 years, felt everything, got shot, had sex with someone after 16 years of fidelity, let me smack you, and you’re _apologizing_?”

Spock blinked at his summary “yes. I agreed to allow you to have sex-”

“How do you deal?!” Jim snapped, shaking Spock again. “How do you deal with this… _jealousy!_ Your jealous, you have to be! The moment I felt that I wanted to-” Jim’s mouth snaps shut, his teeth click.

“I have endeavored not to be jealous.” Spock said, calm as ever “you are mine at the end of the day.”

Jim growled and moved closer, and Spock realized for the first time that Jim was hard against his thigh. “Fuck that. You're _mine_. My Vulcan, and no one else can touch you.”

 

* * *

 

The sex that followed their argument is some of the best they’ve ever had, and Jim remembers why the hell he never _wanted_ to fuck anyone else but Spock. 

Jim isn't big on apologies, but he spends the next two months trying. He stops fucking other people (although he keeps kissing whoever the fuck he wants, because kissing is _fun_.) and starts doing things most couples do before the engagement- he actually takes Spock on dates and buys him gifts.

Sure their dates were to seedy bars and dirty clubs and fighting rings where they win money for beating people up, and sure- the gifts were sex toys. 

He was _trying_ okay?

Everything was going well- and then he stumbled upon the collar.

It was 8 strips of black leather with silver rings connecting them. Each ring was made to look like a dream catcher, laced with thin black silken ribbon. On the front was a D ring to put tags on.

It was a beautiful collar, and Jim stared at it for 9 full minutes before he bought it.

 

* * *

 

Spock stared at his reflection while Jim filled the bath.

The sex had been really _really_ good, and Spock hadn't taken off the collar yet.

Jim loved it. He really really loved it. He had told Spock so. Spock knew what Jim intended.

“... So.” Jim said, coming up behind him to hug him from behind, bare chest pressing against Spock’s back, kissing a shoulder “how do you feel about it?”

“The collar?”

“Yeah.”

“You enjoy it.”

“I really really do.”

“... I will need tags.”

“Oh my god I love you so fucking much”

Spock gets to feel Jim’s appreciation for the rest of the night, and in the morning he wakes up with a pleasant buzz and no reason that he can think of to find a good reason to take the collar off.

 

* * *

 

Life continues on rather well for them. Spock's collar becomes a part of his every day dress- it gets to the point where he never takes it off.

Spock finishes the imperial academy a year before Jim- he’s 22 and Jim is 20, but when Spock gets assigned on the _Enterprise_ under Christopher Pike, it's like their kids again.

Spock and Jim have PADDs, and messaged da bother everyone day. When Jim graduates, he gets assigned aboard the _Farragut_.

It’s a month after his assignment that he feels something weird and terrifyingly familiar through the bond.

Jim gets angry. That night he calls Spock- intent on screaming and cursing at him.

When his face comes up on the screen, Jim’s rant dies in his throat.

Spock’s jaw is covered in green bruises, and his eyes are filled with self loathing. It's like he’s a little kid again.

“He made me.” Is the first thing Spock says “he said he didn't trust green blooded freaks and if I wanted to not get thrown out of an airlock I had to. He’ll promote me if I keep this up.” Spock continued quietly.

“Who do you belong to?” Jim prompted

“You. Always.” He replied.

“Then you do what you have to. I’ll be captain of that ship someday.”

Together, they make a plan.

 

* * *

 

6 years later- Spock is 28 and Jim is 26. 

Spock has moved up to a Chief science officer, and Christopher Pike’s favorite piece of ass (his words, not Spock’s)

Spock is standing in the transporter room, waiting. Jim had achieved the rank of Commander on the _Farragut_ and was boarding the _Enterprise_ because the imperial had ordered the _Farragut_ to check how she was running. Kirk was sent to do the check.

His form materialized on the platform, and Spock shifted, waiting for the signal.

Jim materialized, and Spock thought he looked beautiful and healthy. He was glowing.

Captain Pike stepped forward, watching him “Commander.”

Kirk saluted him, and Pike returned it. “Captain.” Jim responded.

“This is my first officer, number one.” Like said, gesturing to the woman next to Spock. “And my CSO.”

“Do you not care to give your CSO a name?” Jim asked, cocking his head to the side.

Pike bristled. “It's Spock. He’s Spock if you must know.”

Jim’s face curled into a smirk, and he brushed past Pike to come closer to Spock. “I know. I've been in his head since I was three.”

Pike blanched, but Spock didn't care. Jim extended two fingers to him, and Spock met them.

Jim’s smirk became almost loving for a brief moment- and then he pulled out his phaser and shot Number One.

Spock took the signal, whirling around to grab the two security guards who ran at them and bash their heads together.

Jim tackled Pike, pulling his knife and stabbing it into his eye. Pike screamed and Jim smirked.

“Hello Christopher. The next time you want to get off, pick someone other than _my_ Vulcan.”

He slit his throat, and Spock watched Christopher Pike bleed out. It was perfect.

 

* * *

 

The next 48 hours are vital. They're the most dangerous and the most chaotic. Everyone is running around, trying to get new positions or gain the new captain’s trust.

Jim survives with Spock’s help, and when the dust clears everyone has a place, and everyone is aware of Jim’s power.

He calls the _Farragut_ , and his first action as captain is to bring over her CMO. A man named Leonard McCoy, who Jim apparently trusts. In return, they give the _Farragut_ several crewmen and the body of Christopher Pike.

It is 72 hours after Christopher Pike dies when Spock comes onto the bridge and Jim grabs him and pulls him onto his lap.

“Spock.” Jim smirks at him “you aware that I've given you the rank of first officer in addition to your CSO position?”

Spock nodded “yes captain.”

“Good. I demand total loyalty from my First officers. Will you do anything I say?”

Spock nods. 

Jim smirks “then open up.”

The new alpha shift bridge crew watches as Jim takes Spock in the captain's chair. To an outsider, Spock was carefully blank about it.

It was simply another show of power. Spock was Jim’s, and now the crew knew it.

It was another three hours when Spock walked into their corners and Jim pinned him to the wall. There had been no kissing on the bridge, and so this was their first kiss in 6 years.

Between the meeting of their lips, Jim spoke.

“I fucking missed you.” Jim muttered “you're mine. You know that? You're my favorite pet. My second. My commander. My favorite toy. Your mine forever now, got it?” He snarled.

Spock nodded as Jim started working on Spock’s shirt. “How did he touch you? Did he touch you as nice as I do? Did you love his dick like you love mine?”

“No.” Spock said, the word clipped short “no I did not.”

“ _Good_.” (And goddamn if Spock didn't have a praise kink.)

Jim bit his chest hard enough to draw blood, and when he came up with green on his teeth, Spock shivered.

There, pinned against the wall, Jim reclaimed Spock as his, fucking him hard.

“You're so goddamn hot like this- open and pliant for me.” Jim whispered in your ear “missed you, missed this so fucking much. You’re mine. Mine mine _mine_. I’ll never let you go.”

His voice lowered, barely a breath next to Spock’s ear. “ _I love you_.” He growled.

He would always whisper this, and Spock would always think it back, knowing that across the bond Jim knew.

No one else could know about that part, lest they be seen as weak.

But it was the truth.

 

* * *

 

A month later and Jim had won 2 planets for the empire. Another 3 months, and Jim has taken another 5.

6 months after he took the captaincy, and Jim has broken the record.

It is one month after this when the call from the admirals come in.

5 years. That's the offer. 5 years in space making first contact and gaining planets for the federation.

Jim is grinning when he accepts, because how could he not?

He has his ship, and a billion stars to steer her by. He has Spock and his crew.

And when he wakes up at night and gazed at the Vulcan sleeping next to him, as he goes about his duties, he thinks about it.

Spock wears his collar, because Spock is his. His everything, his first.

“Spock.” He says exactly one day after receiving the 5 year mission, standing in the observations deck with his bondmate. “How do I know you’ll never betray me?”

“I am not a target like this. What would I have to gain? A captaincy I do not want? A dead bondmate?” Spock looked at him “there is no gain for me.”

“Then swear it.” Jim said “swear that you’ll always be one step behind me. Swear that you’ll always be by my side. Swear that together we’ll take on the universe.”

“Not only will we take it on, we will take it over.”

And then, Spock sunk to one knee, bowing his head. “I will always serve you. I shall be thine shadow and nothing shall ever harm you. I shall remain until you rid yourself of me.”

“Then we’ll set these stars ablaze.”

“If that is what my captain wishes.” Spock responded.

Jim pulled him to his feet.

“We’ll set the world on fire, you and I.” He said.

It was a truth.

 

* * *

 

_“So I come back again to the condition that the Golden Rule, if one adopts it, is a difficult master to serve. The ship’s captain will not throw the compass overboard because the wind blows fair and the day is funny. For he knows, from the experiences of the ocean’s instability, that the danger days of storm are always “just ahead.” So the compass must always be handy and obedience to it must always be loyal. And so with the Golden Rule—the compass must be ever at hand through life’s journey. It will see us through trying times. And perhaps the most trying of all times comes when success is riding high and we may be tempted to “throw the compass overboard.” It is then we must remember that all good days in human life come from the mastery of the days of trouble that are forever recurrent.”_

__\- James Cash Penney_ _

_“Love is the compass of life… without it you’re lost.”_

__\- Davison_ _

 

 


End file.
